By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
