Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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