i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I've blown a few things in my day
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
