You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
