hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The adults are the big ones right?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
