dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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