Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
