; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
