I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
