Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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