Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize