somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
