I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
