now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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