I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
