I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
