I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
