if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
