so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
