her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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