so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
