hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
