This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
