I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
this just has baby written all over it
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
