News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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