Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
