I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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