Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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