Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
