The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
