Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize