Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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