im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
