sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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