If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
