I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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