Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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