Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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