I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
