i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
