I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
