Jerry, you need to find god
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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