And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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