Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
