i think i have two assholes
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
