I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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