Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
