I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
