listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
