Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
