Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
