ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
