Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
