So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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