dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
