Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
