ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
